The Stories we Tell Ourselves

I was hurt by SusieQ. She said something that I didn’t think I could forgive. I didn’t want to have anything to do with her again, but in a small town, it was inevitable. Whenever I saw her, I noticed all the things she was doing wrong. She arrived 2 minutes late, she opened her soda can too loudly, she sat in the wrong chair. Because she was “so inconsiderate” I felt justified in maintaining my hurt feelings.  I found that every time I saw her there was another and another “crime” she committed. 

I had my mind made up that SusieQ was a selfish and mean person. That was the motivation I was ascribing to SusieQ’s every action. In my mind, it wasn’t that SusieQ simply wanted a drink, I told myself that she only wanted a drink if it was the last one so no one else could have it. Most of what she was doing “wrong” would have been ignored or brushed aside if anyone else did the same thing, but because it was SusieQ it was one more strike against her. The more I thought about it, the more unhappy I became. SusieQ on the other hand was moving on with her life with no notion of how I was feeling. Then, I finally realized that my thoughts towards her were in reality hurting me. The story I was telling myself about her needed to change. 

I had to remember that just because I had been hurt by SusieQ, it didn’t mean her every action was intended to hurt me again. I had to reflect on what I could actually see of her actions, rather than what I assumed about her thoughts, feelings, motivations. When I did that, I realized I was carrying a grudge against her that not only made me miserable, but caused me to treat her coldly. In turn, her behavior towards me grew more distant. This became further “proof” against her.  But really, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, based on the story I was telling myself. 

What we Assume

The stories we tell ourselves shape what we believe and how we respond to others. It is easy for us to continue to think and act in a habitual way. It’s easy and flows quickly. If we want to change our behavior we need to change our thoughts. This takes conscious effort. 

What stories are you telling yourself? Are they stories you want to change?

1.      Start to recognize your typical ways of responding or thinking about other people’s behavior. For example, does it seem like everyone is impatient with you? 

2.      What stories about other people’s motivations do you tell yourself? What do you assume other people are thinking and feeling based on their actions?

3.      Ask yourself, is there possibly a different way to explain their behavior? 

4.      What would be different in your life if this alternate explanation were true?

Journal activity

Think about a specific event you have been struggling with. Could you have interpreted it differently? Imagine how the outcome might have been different? Try writing about it in a stream-of-consciousness style. What changes about the story? What thoughts or emotions come up for you? What do you learn about yourself?

What is Your story?

We make assumptions about ourselves as well. We tell ourselves what we can and cannot do something because we become stuck in our habits. Can you rewrite your story? Can you let go of what you have been telling yourself? What would happen if you changed the story you tell about yourself?

Every day we have the opportunity to decide what story we are going to tell ourselves. We get to choose.  I invite you to be thoughtful about the stories you choose to tell yourself.